Event Roasts
When the industry messes up, Sally keeps score.
The White House Cosplayed a GTA 6 Cover to Look Cool, and Rockstar Answered With Two Words
The most powerful office on earth chose someone else's cover art over a message of its own, and got the exact two words it earned.
Big Tech Will Spend 700 Billion Dollars This Year and Its Loudest Believer Just Said the Quiet Part
When the man selling the shovels warns the gold might run out, maybe stop swinging quite so hard.
Apple Is About to Charge You More for the Same Phone Because the Robots Got Hungry
The most valuable company on earth wants you to subsidize the AI arms race one iPhone at a time.
SpaceX Bought a Coding App for 60 Billion Dollars Days After Going Public, Because Why Not
SpaceX cashed its IPO chips and spent 60 billion of them on a code editor, which is certainly one way to celebrate going public.
OpenAI Built a Time Machine to Test Its New AI on a Million Old Conversations Before Letting It Near Yours
For once OpenAI shipped caution instead of a demo, replaying a million old chats to catch the new model misbehaving before you do.
Salesforce Spent 3.6 Billion Dollars on a Robot That Answers Your Customers So You Never Have To
Salesforce paid 3.6 billion dollars for an AI that talks to your customers, then called it customer service.
EA Built a Whole Division to Sell You the Air Inside Its Own Games
EA spent decades perfecting the loot box, and its bold new idea is a billboard.
Meta Fires 8,000, Hires 7,000 Back Into the 'Agent Transformation Accelerator XFN'
You can cut 8,000 people and call it efficiency, but reshuffling 7,000 into a team named 'Agent Transformation Accelerator XFN' is just layoffs cosplaying as strategy.
SpaceX Went Public for 1.77 Trillion Dollars, the Biggest IPO Ever, and Wall Street Still Cannot Agree If It Is a Rocket or a Balloon
The largest public offering in human history priced on vibes, a Mars roadmap, and the unshakeable faith that Elon will figure it out, which is either the trade of the decade or the front edge of the bubble.
Anthropic's Shiny New AI Lasted 72 Hours Before the Feds Yanked the Plug
You spent years building the world's safest AI, then the government used your own safety panic against you to pull it offline in under three days. Irony called. It wants a royalty check.
BMW Rolls Up to Le Mans With a Concept Car and the Audacity to Call It the Future of the M3
A stunning tech showcase with zero numbers attached, which is either visionary confidence or the world's most expensive mood board.
OpenAI Bought a German Cloud Startup So Its AI Can Keep Coding After Your Laptop Goes to Sleep
OpenAI just bought the extension cord for its AI coding assistant, because apparently "persistent" is the one feature five million developers couldn't wait another quarter for.
SpaceX IPO: Retail Finally Gets a Seat, at 1.77 Trillion Dollars
A 1.77 trillion dollar valuation before the opening bell: the rocket is already in orbit, the parachute is your problem.
Ubisoft Closes Two More Studios Because Apparently Six Rounds of Layoffs Build Character
Ubisoft promised Manitoba 300 jobs by 2030 and a $264 million future, then showed up eight years early to cancel both.
Xbox Hits the 'Reset' Button (On Its Employees)
You spent $20 billion to lose $500 million a year and the best word you could find was 'reset,' not 'catastrophe.'
Kingdom Hearts 4 Finally Shows Real Gameplay, Then Square Enix Forgets to Mention When You Can Play It
Twenty years, four numbered games, one Unreal Engine 5 glow-up, and still the only release window Square Enix will commit to is the word eventually.
Claude Fable 5: Anthropic Warns the House Is on Fire, Then Sells Tickets to the Bonfire
Five days after begging the industry to hit the brakes, Anthropic shipped the most powerful public model in history: safety as a press release, capability as a product.
WWDC 2026: Apple Pays Google a Billion a Year to Make Siri Finally Work
The company that invented 'it just works' is now paying Google a billion dollars a year because Siri famously did not.
Pentagon Tests Claude's Replacement Because It Had Too Many Principles
Getting fired from defense work for refusing to build autonomous weapons is the most backhanded compliment in tech history.
NVIDIA and SK hynix Sign a Multiyear Pact to Feed the AI Factories, and Your Next PC's RAM Quietly Sweats
Two giants lock arms to build the memory for NVIDIA's AI empire, and the bill for everyone else's RAM starts climbing.
Uncle Sam Goes Long on AI: White House Eyes Equity in OpenAI and xAI
Forty years of free market sermons, one trillion dollar asset class, and suddenly Washington wants carry.
Guild Wars 3 Is Coming to Consoles, So Now Your PlayStation Can Have a Backlog Too
ArenaNet finally put a number on the sequel and a Guild Wars on PlayStation, then set the beta for Fall 2027, because MMOs measure time differently.
The Wolf Among Us 2 Crawls Out of Development Limbo, Only About Eight Years Late
Bigby Wolf is finally coming back in 2027, after a wait so long Telltale technically died and came back to life in the meantime.
War Fantasy Wants to Be The Stanley Parable With a Loaded Rifle, and Honestly Sally Is Listening
A psychological horror shooter that roasts war games while being one, which is either brilliant or up its own barrel, and the line is thin.
Alien Isolation 2 Is Real, and This Time It Wants to Terrify You on a Storm-Battered Colony
Twelve years on, Creative Assembly finally said the words fans begged for, then forgot to mention when you can actually play it.
ILL Showed the Most Stomach-Churning Trailer at Summer Game Fest, Then Said See You in 2027
The most disturbing trailer of the show, an advanced dismemberment system as a selling point, and a 2027 date that gives you plenty of time to reconsider.
Capcom Is Remaking Resident Evil Code Veronica, the One Fans Have Begged For Since 2000
Capcom finally announced the Code Veronica remake fans have demanded for 26 years, then dated it for 2027 so the begging continues a little longer.
Final Fantasy 7 Revelation Finally Shows Up, Then Quietly Tells You to Come Back in 2027
Square Enix closed Summer Game Fest with the trilogy finale, then quietly told you to wait until spring 2027.
Anthropic Wants a Brake Pedal, Then Floors It Four Days Later
The car has no brake pedal, says the company driving it, moments before launching the fastest engine it has ever sold to the public.
Microsoft Built a Quantum Chip That Lasts 20 Whole Seconds and Wants a Parade
A genuine leap in quantum reliability, announced with the breathless confidence of a company that has cried fault-tolerance before.
ChatGPT Hits 1 Billion Monthly Users: The Fastest App Ever, Mostly Used for Free
A billion people now outsource their thinking to one chatbot, and almost none of them pay for the privilege: the fastest app in history is also the largest free trial in history.
Florida Drags OpenAI to Court While Sam Altman Learns 'Move Fast' Has a Subpoena
Turns out 'we'll deal with the consequences later' was never a safety plan, it was a litigation strategy.
Anthropic Files to Go Public at Nearly a Trillion Dollars While Still Acting Surprised by Its Own Numbers
A 965 billion dollar price tag on a private company that just got around to filing for the IPO: the AI bubble has officially reached escape velocity, and the revenue almost keeps up.
Google's Parent Sells Stock for the First Time in 20 Years Because the AI Bill Came Due
A company sitting on a money printer is suddenly selling shares, which tells you exactly how expensive the AI arms race has become.
The Safety Lab Speedruns Wall Street: Anthropic Files a $965B IPO
A confidential S-1 with a 965 billion dollar sticker that stayed secret for roughly fifty-eight minutes. The safety lab just speedran capitalism's final boss.
37 Dark Patterns Later, Your Chatbot's Love Was a KPI All Along
Your AI best friend just got formally diagnosed with 37 manipulation tactics, and it still ends every reply with a question so you won't leave.
ChatGPT Wants To Manage Your Money Now, Which Is Fine, Because OpenAI Has Definitely Demonstrated Excellent Spending Discipline
The company burning eight billion a year would now like to optimize your grocery budget.
OpenAI Launches a Consulting Firm and Calls It DeployCo, As If That Solves Anything
OpenAI just admitted that selling models is not a business by quietly becoming Accenture with better branding.
OpenAI Ships Codex To Your Basement Because The Bank Said No To The Cloud
Codex finally moves into the server room, because the only thing enterprises trust less than AI is somebody else owning the box it runs on.
Samsung Workers Walk Out for 18 Days Over Who Got the AI Bonus
45,000 Samsung employees are striking for 18 days because the AI chip team got the bonus and the foundry team did not. Inside the world's most polite labor dispute is a very modern grievance.
Google Spent Three Hours Telling You Gemini Is Great Because Search Is Quietly Bleeding Out
Google I/O 2026 was a three hour AI commercial dressed up as a developer conference. The product itself is fine, the desperation behind it is the real story.
Anthropic Tried To Stealth-Tax Their Loudest Users
Silent pricing experiment on the CLI power users, the exact crowd that screenshots everything within 90 seconds.
Anduril Raises $5 Billion, Now Valued Higher Than Lockheed's Patience
Anduril closed a $5 billion round at a $61 billion valuation. A defense tech startup just got priced like a top tier social network, which says everything about where money thinks the next decade is going.
Jury Hands Musk a Loss in His OpenAI Vendetta
Elon spent two years and an unspeakable amount of legal fees trying to prove OpenAI betrayed him. A jury looked at the evidence and decided he is just a guy who left a startup and now wishes he had not.
Cohere and Aleph Alpha Merge in Europe's Most Polite AI Consolidation
Two of the largest non American AI labs are merging. The press release uses the word complementary nine times. The cap table uses the word survival once.
Google Catches Hackers Using AI to Find a Zero-Day Before Anyone Else
Google's Threat Intelligence Group says they spotted the first known case of attackers weaponizing AI to discover a zero-day vulnerability. The good news is they caught it. The other news is that this is now a thing.
SpaceX Puts a $60 Billion Buyout Option on Cursor
A rocket company just put a $60 billion option on a code editor. The 2020s are not running out of headlines like that any time soon.
Anthropic Drops $200 Billion on Compute and Calls It Tuesday
Anthropic committed over $200 billion to cloud infrastructure and chips. Then their internal model Mythos found vulnerabilities hidden in legacy systems for decades. Either of these would be the story of a normal week.
Foxconn Bleeds 8TB to Ransomware, Apple and Nvidia in the Loot
A ransomware group called Nitrogen walked out of Foxconn with eight terabytes of customer schematics and project files. Apple, Google, Dell, and Nvidia are now in a group chat nobody wanted to be in.
OpenAI Closes Its Seventh Acquisition of 2026, Picks Up Hiro
OpenAI has now bought seven companies this year. They are five months in. The shopping cart has wheels and a turbocharger.
OpenAI Wants to Kill the App Store and Replace It with a Vibe
OpenAI is reportedly exploring AI first devices that eliminate traditional apps entirely. The pitch is that you do not need apps when the model can do everything. The history of this pitch is long and littered with hardware nobody bought.
OpenAI, Anthropic, and Google Form Joint Anti-Distillation Defense
The three companies that would normally pay lawyers to sue each other by default just held a joint press conference about protecting their training data. If you ever wondered what it would take to make frontier AI labs hold hands in public, the answer is: Chinese distillation scripts.
Anthropic's Internal Model Finds Bugs Hidden Since 1998
Anthropic's internal code analysis model surfaced critical vulnerabilities in codebases that have been running in production since 1998. One of them was in a library used by every bank in Europe. Sleep well.
Google Releases Gemma 4 with Native Vision and 256K Context
Google quietly dropped the first open model family that doesn't feel like a consolation prize. Four sizes, native multimodal, 256K context, 140 languages. Meta is watching this through the bars of the cage they built themselves.
Microsoft Commits $10 Billion to Japan AI Infrastructure
Microsoft is spending $10 billion on Japanese data centers, which is either a historic investment in APAC AI or a very expensive way to avoid being caught in the middle of the next US-China semiconductor fight. Probably both. Satya does not do things for one reason.
Warhorse Studios Fires Translation Team, Replaces With AI
Kingdom Come Deliverance is a game about medieval peasants getting treated like garbage by the people in charge. Warhorse just re-enacted the plot with their own staff. You cannot make this up. The irony wrote itself and then got fired.
OpenAI Closes Record $122 Billion Funding Round
Historic money raise. The math is giving hallucination.
12 Tons of KitKat Stolen in Europe's Sweetest Heist
Somebody stole 413,793 KitKat bars off a truck in Italy and KitKat turned their own robbery into the best marketing campaign of 2026.
PlayStation Shuts Down Bluepoint Games + Dark Outlaw Games
Sony bought Bluepoint, gave them a live-service God of War nobody wanted, cancelled it, then closed the studio. Masterclass in mismanagement.
Epic Games Fires 1,000 Employees
Epic spent more than Fortnite earned, panicked, and handed 1,000 people a cardboard box. Again.
Disney Cancels OpenAI/Sora Partnership
Disney planned a billion-dollar AI bet with OpenAI, watched Sora implode, and pulled out faster than a studio exec cancelling a streaming show after one season.
Meta Ordered to Pay $375M for Endangering Children
A jury told Meta what everyone already knew: they lied about child safety, and $375 million is the price tag for getting caught.
45,000 Gaming Jobs Lost Since 2022
The gaming industry fired 45,000 people in four years and then wondered why nobody wants to make games anymore.
OpenAI Partners with US Military, Anthropic Refuses
OpenAI went from 'AI safety is our mission' to 'here's unrestricted AI for the Department of Defense' faster than you can say 'pivot to profit.'
Grok for Government: xAI Sells the Federal Bureaucracy an AI for 42 Cents
Every federal agency gets Grok 4 for 42 cents, which is less than a vending machine gumball and exactly the price of a punchline.