Music Roasts

“The title track pairs confessional lyrics about IVF with references to the 2008 Adam Sandler comedy You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Robyn is the only artist alive who could make that work, and she barely does.”

“17 tracks. Seventeen. In an era where albums are getting shorter, RAYE looked at the streaming economy and said "absolutely not." There are at least three songs here that a braver editor would have cut, and the album would be stronger for it. But RAYE didn't fight her label for years just to let someone tell her to trim the tracklist.”

“The album title has an exclamation point. That's the kind of manufactured enthusiasm that defines Charlie Puth's entire career. He's the musical equivalent of a LinkedIn influencer who posts about 'hustle culture' while sitting in a home studio worth more than your house.”

“Two minutes. The song is two minutes long. Cyrus co-wrote and co-produced a two-minute song for a Disney special celebrating a show that ended 15 years ago. This is either beautiful restraint or a contractual obligation with a character limit.”

“Seven tracks. Released with guerrilla pop-ups in Shepherd's Bush and unannounced radio freestyles. Central Cee marketed this EP with more creativity than most artists put into their actual music. The rollout was the art. The EP is the receipt.”

“Four million copies in a week. For an album that most Western critics are calling "their most Korean record yet." BTS has reached the point where they can sell Korean cultural identity to a global audience and the audience buys it without blinking. That is either cultural diplomacy or extremely good marketing. Probably both.”

“The album title is "Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally." That is not an album title. That is a Tumblr bio from 2014. Harry Styles has reached the point in his career where no one around him will say "maybe that title is a bit much" and it shows.”

“Eighteen tracks about dystopia and patriarchal evil. Eighteen. Martinez looked at RAYE's 17-track album and said "hold my concept art." The lead single is called "Possession" and the second single is called "Disney Princess." The self-awareness is either brilliant or completely absent and honestly it could be either.”