How to Write a Best Man's Speech (and How Not To)
Most best man speeches are a man reading his group chat aloud to people who weren't in it.
A wedding speech is the only public speaking gig where the audience is rooting for you and you still find a way to lose them. They have wine, they have low expectations, and they have a profound desire to clap. All you have to do is not turn three minutes into eleven, and not summon a story about Ibiza in front of the groom's grandmother.
The Full Truth
on A best man's wedding speech
Eight minutes, four inside jokes, and the bride got name-checked once, at minute seven, as a logistical afterthought.
- 01
The bride is a guest in her own wedding speech
CriticalShe appears once, near the end, in a sentence that starts with 'oh, and'. This is a speech about a marriage. Give her a real line: a moment you saw her change him, said with specifics and warmth.
- 02
Inside jokes the room can't get inside of
Critical'Classic Dave', 'the Magaluf incident', 'you know what you did' land for four people and isolate two hundred. Either explain the story fast or cut it. A laugh only you get is just a silence with extra steps.
- 03
No structure, just a list of memories in the order they occurred to you
NotableIt reads like scrolling a camera roll out loud. Pick one story, give it a turn, and make it mean something about who he became. A speech needs a spine, not an inventory.
Anyway so me and Dave go way back, we've had some mental nights out, classic Dave, ha, you know what you did mate. He's a legend. Oh and Sarah you're great too.
I met Dave at 19, when his idea of a balanced meal was a kebab and an apology. The man who's marrying Sarah today plans her surprises three weeks in advance. I've watched her turn a chaos merchant into someone reliable, and honestly, it's the best magic trick I've ever seen.
I'm not much of a public speaker so bear with me, this could go on a while, where do I even begin haha.
I've known Dave for fifteen years, so I had a lot to choose from. I picked the day I finally understood why Sarah said yes.
- 1Cut every story the whole room can't follow in one sentence. If it needs a footnote, it needs the bin.
- 2Rewrite it down to one story with a clear point about who the groom is now, and one real beat about the bride.
- 3Read it aloud standing up, timed. If you pass five minutes, you're not editing, you're hoping. Cut to the spine.
- 4End on a toast you've memorized so completely you can lift your glass and look people in the eye while saying it.
That was a stranger's wedding speech. Drop yours, I will go just as hard.
One coffee, from €2,99. No mercy.
The good ones do one thing: they make the room feel something specific about two specific people. The bad ones are a CV of the speaker's own comedic ambitions, delivered to a captive audience who cannot leave because the dessert hasn't come yet. Sally has sat through both. Repeatedly. Here is the difference.
- 01Open on a single concrete image of the groom, not 'where do I even begin'. You begin. That's the job.
- 02Earn one real laugh in the first 30 seconds, then bank it. Affection buys you the room. Cruelty rents it.
- 03Tell ONE story with a beginning, a turn, and a point that lands on who he is now. Not a highlight reel.
- 04Pivot hard to the couple at the two-thirds mark. The speech is about a marriage, not your friendship resume.
- 05End on a toast you've said out loud, standing up, at least five times. Time it. Three to five minutes, full stop.
- Opening with 'I'm not much of a public speaker', then proving it for nine excruciating minutes.
- The Vegas story. The stag-do story. The 'what happens on tour' story. Everyone's parents are in this room and you know it.
- A roast with no off-ramp into love, so the groom's smile slowly turns into the face of a hostage.
- Reading it off your phone in a flat monotone, scrolling, never once looking up at the actual married people.
- Forgetting the bride's name exists until the final toast, where she gets a single tacked-on 'and Sarah, you're great too'.