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How to Argue an Essay (and How Not To)

An argument is not a topic with a thesaurus draped over it.

By Cynical SallyIssue Nº 1

Everyone learns to write an essay the way everyone learns to swim: thrown in, flailing, convinced that more words equals less drowning. The result is a genre of writing that has a beginning, a middle, an end, and no argument anywhere in it.

This is what you getA real Full Truth, in full
Cynical SallyPaper / Essay

The Full Truth

on A first-year student's argumentative essay

4.1
out of ten
Your thesis is 'this issue is very important and has many sides.' So is a triangle, and it didn't need 1,400 words.
The Investigation
  1. 01

    The thesis refuses to take a position

    Critical

    'There are many factors to consider regarding social media' is an observation, not a claim. Pick a side a classmate would fight you on, then spend the essay winning that fight.

  2. 02

    Evidence appears, then is abandoned

    Critical

    A 2019 statistic is dropped at the end of paragraph three and never explained. After every quote, add one sentence: 'This matters because...' If you can't write that sentence, the quote isn't yours yet.

  3. 03

    No counterargument, so nothing is actually proven

    Notable

    You only argue against people who already agree with you. Find the strongest objection, give it a fair paragraph, then take it apart. That's where the grade lives.

The Copy Clinic

Since the beginning of time, social media has been a topic that many people have strong opinions about, and there are many sides to consider.

Schools should ban phones during class hours, because the same notification design that hooks adults was never meant to sit in a thirteen-year-old's pocket during algebra.

A study showed that teenagers use social media a lot, which is an interesting fact about today's society.

A 2019 Pew survey found 45% of teens are online 'almost constantly.' That's not a usage statistic. It's an attention economy that treats a developing brain as inventory, which is exactly why classroom rules should change.

The Action Plan
  1. 1Rewrite the thesis as one sentence someone could publicly disagree with. If it survives a 'no it isn't,' keep it.
  2. 2Give every body paragraph a topic sentence that states its claim, then delete any sentence that doesn't serve that claim.
  3. 3Add one genuine counterargument paragraph, written generously, then rebut it with your best evidence.
  4. 4Cut the summary conclusion and replace it with a 'so what': what changes if you're right, and who should care.
Yours for the price of a coffee.Printed with disdain
Your turn

That was a stranger's paper / essay. Drop yours, I will go just as hard.

One coffee, from €2,99. No mercy.

A good argumentative essay does one humiliating thing: it commits. It says something a reasonable person could disagree with, then makes disagreeing harder. Everything else is decoration, and decoration is what you reach for when you have nothing to defend. Think you can survive being read closely? Most can't.

How to do it right
  • 01State a thesis a smart person could reject. If nobody can argue back, you wrote a Wikipedia summary, not an argument.
  • 02Give each paragraph one job and put that job in the first sentence. The reader should know the claim before they know the evidence.
  • 03Steelman the other side, then dismantle it. The strongest essays beat the best objection, not the dumbest one.
  • 04Make evidence earn its place: cite, then explain why it proves your point, not just that it exists near it.
  • 05End by raising the stakes, not summarizing them. The last paragraph should answer 'so what', not repeat the first.
How not to
  • Opening with 'Since the dawn of time, humanity has always...' to fill the silence where a thesis should be.
  • The five-paragraph autopilot: three reasons, no relationship between them, a conclusion that just says 'in conclusion' and panics.
  • Quote-dumping a source, then walking away from it as if the citation analyzes itself.
  • A thesis so safe it's a fact: 'Social media has both positive and negative effects.' Congratulations, you've described everything.
  • Hiding behind 'many people believe' and 'studies show' because naming who, and which study, would require having read it.
How to Argue an Essay (and How Not To) - Cynical Sally