Cynical Sally reviews everything with a URL. Websites, LinkedIn profiles, GitHub repos, product listings, blog posts, portfolios, social media pages, SaaS landing pages, e-commerce stores, and just about anything else that lives on the internet. But Sally is not just throwing random insults at your page. There is a real methodology behind every review, whether it is a free Level 1 roast or a comprehensive Level 2 scorecard. This article explains exactly how Sally works, what she looks for, and what you get at each tier.
"People think I just roast things for fun. I mean, I do. But there is also a method. The fun is a bonus. -- Sally"
Two Tiers: The Roast and The Receipts
Sally operates on two tiers, and understanding the difference is important because they serve completely different purposes.
Level 1: The Free Roast
Level 1 is free for everyone. Drop any URL and Sally delivers a brutally honest, comedic roast of what she finds. This is not a surface-level joke. Sally actually reads and analyzes the page content, structure, and presentation before crafting her review. The roast highlights the most obvious issues in a way that is entertaining and memorable. You also get a meme generated specifically for your page. Level 1 is designed to make you laugh, but also to make you think. Many users tell us the roast pointed out something they had been ignoring for months.
Level 2: The SuperClub Scorecard
Level 2 is available to Sally's SuperClub members at €9.99 per year. This is where Sally drops the comedy act (mostly) and gets serious. A Level 2 review includes a structured scorecard with numerical scores from 0 to 10 across multiple categories, specific issues backed by evidence (what we call "receipts"), actionable fix recommendations for every issue found, and a downloadable PDF report you can share with your team, your client, or your designer. Level 2 is the equivalent of hiring a conversion consultant, a UX reviewer, and a copywriter to spend thirty minutes on your page, except it takes seconds and costs a fraction of the price.
What Sally Evaluates: The Core Framework
Regardless of the URL type, Sally's analysis follows a consistent framework. She adapts the specific criteria based on what kind of page she is reviewing, but the core categories remain the same.
The universal evaluation categories:
- First Impression: What does the visitor see and understand within the first five seconds?
- Clarity: Is the purpose, offer, or identity immediately obvious?
- Credibility: Are there trust signals, social proof, or evidence of legitimacy?
- Content Quality: Is the text well-written, specific, and free of fluff?
- Structure and Navigation: Is the page organized logically and easy to scan?
- Call to Action: Is there a clear next step for the visitor?
- Visual Design: Does the design support the message or distract from it?
- Technical Quality: Does the page load fast, work on mobile, and function correctly?
How Sally Adapts by URL Type
A LinkedIn profile and an Amazon product listing require very different evaluation criteria. Here is how Sally adapts her review based on what you submit.
LinkedIn Profiles
Sally evaluates headline clarity and keyword relevance, About section structure and storytelling, experience descriptions (results vs. responsibilities), profile photo and banner quality, skill endorsements and recommendation strength, and overall positioning. She checks whether your profile would surface in a recruiter search and whether it tells a coherent career story.
GitHub Repositories
Sally reviews README completeness and clarity, documentation quality, code organization, commit history patterns, whether there are live demos or deployed versions, and the overall developer experience of trying to understand and use the project. She also checks for common red flags like abandoned repos, empty READMEs, and projects with zero tests.
E-commerce and Product Pages
Sally evaluates product photography quality and quantity, title optimization for both search and readability, bullet point structure (benefits vs. features), description depth, pricing presentation, review management, and trust signals like return policies, guarantees, and certifications. She checks whether the listing would convert a visitor who is comparison shopping.
Landing Pages and SaaS Websites
Sally focuses on above-the-fold clarity, value proposition strength, CTA effectiveness, social proof placement and quality, page load speed, mobile responsiveness, copy quality, and conversion flow logic. She evaluates whether a first-time visitor would understand what you sell, why it matters, and what to do next.
Blog Posts and Content Pages
Sally reviews opening hook effectiveness, content structure and scanability, value density (useful advice vs. filler), readability, internal and external linking, and whether the post delivers on the promise of its headline. She checks whether a reader would finish the article and whether they would find it worth sharing.
Portfolios (Design, Photography, Creative)
Sally evaluates project presentation depth, case study structure, evidence of real impact (metrics, outcomes), positioning clarity, navigation and usability, and overall professional impression. She checks whether a hiring manager or potential client would leave the portfolio knowing exactly what you do and why you are good at it.
What "Receipts" Means
In Level 2 reviews, Sally provides what we call receipts. These are specific, evidence-based findings tied to actual elements on your page. Not vague opinions. Not generic advice. Actual evidence. For example, instead of saying "Your headline is weak," Sally will say: "Your headline reads 'Welcome to Our Platform.' This communicates zero information about what you do, who you serve, or why a visitor should care. The first five seconds of a page visit determine bounce rate, and this headline gives no reason to stay. Recommended fix: Replace with a specific value proposition such as '[Specific benefit] for [specific audience].' Score impact: Clarity 3/10 because of this headline alone." That is a receipt. It identifies the problem, quotes the specific element, explains why it matters, and provides a concrete fix.
"I don't do vague. If I say something is broken, I show you exactly where, exactly why, and exactly how to fix it. That is what receipts are. -- Sally"
The Scoring Rubric (Level 2)
Level 2 scorecards use a 0 to 10 scale for each category. Here is what the numbers mean in Sally's world:
Score interpretation:
- 0-2: Critical issues. Major elements are missing, broken, or actively harmful.
- 3-4: Below average. Significant problems that are hurting performance.
- 5-6: Average. Functional but unremarkable. Room for improvement.
- 7-8: Good. Solid execution with minor issues. Above most competitors.
- 9-10: Excellent. Professional quality with only nitpick-level feedback.
Sally does not hand out 10s easily. A 10 means she genuinely could not find a meaningful improvement. Most pages land somewhere between 4 and 7 on their first review, which is perfectly normal and gives you a clear roadmap for improvement.
Why This Approach Works
Most website feedback tools give you either automated technical audits (Lighthouse scores, SEO checkers) or subjective human opinions ("I think the color should be different"). Sally bridges the gap. She combines technical analysis with human-like judgment about messaging, persuasion, trust, and user experience. The result is feedback that is both specific enough to act on and strategic enough to actually improve your outcomes.
Whether you are a freelancer polishing your portfolio, a startup founder testing a landing page, a job seeker optimizing your LinkedIn profile, or an e-commerce seller trying to increase conversions, Sally's methodology is designed to give you the most useful, honest, and actionable feedback possible. The roast is free. The receipts are worth every cent.