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Dating Profile · How to / How not to

How to Write a Dating Profile (and How Not To)

Most dating profiles are a hostage video where the hostage is also the kidnapper.

By Cynical SallyIssue Nº 1

A dating profile has one job: make a stranger want to spend an hour across a table from you. Instead, most people use it to list every adjective that has ever been said about them at a funeral. 'Loyal.' 'Honest.' 'Doesn't take life too seriously.' Congratulations, you have described a golden retriever and roughly 4 million other people on the same app.

This is what you getA real Full Truth, in full
Cynical SallyDating Profile

The Full Truth

on A 29-year-old's dating profile

4.1
out of ten
Your bio says 'fluent in sarcasm' and then proves it by being the least funny thing on the screen.
The Investigation
  1. 01

    The bio is a personality horoscope, true of everyone

    Critical

    'Love to travel, big foodie, work hard play harder, looking for my partner in crime.' Not one word of that survives a swap test: paste it onto any other profile and nothing changes. Replace all four cliches with one concrete scene, like the specific country that ruined you for other airports.

  2. 02

    The photos are a police lineup of strangers

    Critical

    Lead shot is sunglasses, the next is a group of five with no clear 'you', then a gym mirror selfie cropping out your face. By photo three I still can't pick you out of a crowd. Lead with a clear, well-lit face shot and cut anything that needs a caption to explain who you are.

  3. 03

    Every prompt is a dead end, not a door

    Notable

    'A fact about me: I love pizza.' That invites zero replies because there is nothing to grab. End on something openable, like a stance someone can argue with or finish, so a stranger has an obvious reason to type.

The Copy Clinic

Love to travel, big foodie, work hard play harder. Looking for my partner in crime. Fluent in sarcasm. No drama please.

I will reroute an entire trip for a good bakery. Ranked the croissants in three cities, lost a friendship over the results. Tell me the food you'd cross a border for and I'll tell you if we can be trusted together.

A fact about me: I love pizza.

I have strong, possibly unforgivable pizza opinions (pineapple stays, the crust is the best part). Come correct or come hungry.

The Action Plan
  1. 1Run the swap test on every line: if it could sit on a stranger's profile unchanged, delete it and write the specific version.
  2. 2Replace your lead photo with a clear, well-lit, solo face shot. No sunglasses, no group, no guessing.
  3. 3Rewrite one prompt to end on a hook, a stance, an unfinished thought, or a small dare that begs a reply.
  4. 4Read the whole thing out loud. Cut every sentence that sounds like a job interview or a list of demands.
Yours for the price of a coffee.Printed with disdain
Your turn

That was a stranger's dating profile. Drop yours, I will go just as hard.

One coffee, from €2,99. No mercy.

The good news: the bar is on the floor, which means specificity is a superpower. One real detail (the show you rewatch when sick, the hill you will die on about pizza) does more work than ten recycled virtues. You don't need to be the most interesting person in the city. You just need to sound like an actual person, which, it turns out, is the rarest thing on here.

How to do it right
  • 01Lead with one specific, weird-but-true detail that only you could write. Specificity is attraction.
  • 02Give people a hook to message you. End a prompt mid-thought so they can finish it, not just admire it.
  • 03Show, don't claim. Instead of 'adventurous', name the actual thing you did last month.
  • 04Use photos that answer questions: your face clearly, your body honestly, one thing you love, one social proof shot.
  • 05Write like you talk to a friend, then cut the first sentence. The warm-up is never the good part.
How not to
  • The list of nouns masquerading as a personality: 'Coffee, travel, dogs, gym, tacos.' So is everyone in line at the airport.
  • 'Ask me anything' as a prompt. You had one chance to be interesting and you outsourced it to a stranger.
  • Six photos, six different people. Sunglasses, group shot, ski mask, fish, blurry concert, a 2019 wedding. Who am I swiping on.
  • 'I'm not like other girls/guys.' The single most like-other-people sentence ever written.
  • The negativity manifesto: 'No drama, no players, no games, swipe left if you can't hold a conversation.' You've started the date with a list of complaints.