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CV / Résumé · How to / How not to

How to Write a CV (and How Not To)

Most CVs are two pages of someone describing a job they clearly hated.

By Cynical SallyIssue Nº 1

A CV is not your autobiography. It is a 30-second argument for why a stranger should give up their afternoon to meet you. Most people write the autobiography.

This is what you getA real Full Truth, in full
Cynical SallyCV / Résumé

The Full Truth

on A junior developer's two-page CV

4.2
out of ten
You listed 'attention to detail' twice, and spelled it wrong once.
The Investigation
  1. 01

    The objective says nothing

    Critical

    Six lines about seeking growth and synergy. Cut it. Replace with one line on what you actually build.

  2. 02

    Duties, not results

    Critical

    Every bullet starts with 'Responsible for'. None of them say what changed because you were there.

  3. 03

    Skill bars are fiction

    Notable

    A bar saying 85% JavaScript is unverifiable and slightly insulting to anyone who reads it.

The Copy Clinic

Responsible for maintaining the company website.

Rebuilt the marketing site; load time dropped from 6s to 1.4s, bounce down 22%.

Passionate team player seeking a challenging role.

Front-end dev who ships. Three years in React, two production apps, zero drama.

The Action Plan
  1. 1Delete the objective and the skill bars today.
  2. 2Rewrite every bullet to start with a verb and end with a number.
  3. 3Cut to one page. The 2009 internship can go.
  4. 4Read it out loud. If it sounds like a job description, rewrite it.
Yours for the price of a coffee.Printed with disdain
Your turn

That was a stranger's cv / résumé. Drop yours, I will go just as hard.

One coffee, from €2,99. No mercy.

Here is what a Full Truth on a CV actually looks like: where it bleeds, what to cut, and the rewrite that makes someone reply.

How to do it right
  • 01Lead with outcomes, not duties. "Cut churn 18%" beats "responsible for retention".
  • 02One page until you have ten years of receipts. Nobody is reading the second one.
  • 03Tailor the top third to the job. The first six lines decide everything.
  • 04Use real numbers. Vague impact reads as no impact.
  • 05Kill the buzzwords. "Synergy", "passionate", "team player" say nothing.
How not to
  • A skills bar chart claiming you are 92% at "Communication". Measured how?
  • An "Objective" that seeks a challenging role at a dynamic company. So does everyone.
  • Listing every tool you have ever opened once.
  • A photo, your full address, and your date of birth. This is a CV, not a passport.
  • Three fonts, two colors, and a name so big it needs its own zip code.